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  • Gareth Ellis

Did I mention I was ill?

I’m currently ‘ill’. I say ‘ill’ because I have a cold. A pathetic, case of the sniffles mixed with enough phlegm to last me a lifetime. So like any other bloke I’m going to moan about it and mention it as much as possible.

I hate being ‘ill’. Especially with a cold. I’d rather be throwing up everywhere than have something that is more a pain in the arse than an illness.

At least with a sickness bug you are fine in 24 hours. With a cold you feel it for about a week. At the time of writing this I’ve been ‘ill’ for about five days. It’s felt more like fifty.

I’ve had a sore throat, a cough and I don’t think I’ve been able to smell since it kicked in. Either that or like I’ve been telling people for years – my shit really doesn’t stink.

A cold, despite me thinking it’s pathetic, is debilitating. I haven’t been able to run, go to the gym or even kiss J – a fact she’s still celebrating I think.

I tried really hard to fight it as well. The first knockings of a cold and I got on the lemsip, honey and lemon and Vitamin C. But, as they say, resistance is futile, no matter how hard you try you always end up with it.

Then, seeing as I’m British, I looked for someone to blame. It can’t just be that I’ve not had enough sleep so my immune system has depleted. No no, I have to track back over the past fortnight and try to pin down who coughed without covering their mouth or who came into work when they had something that looked and sounded like the Black Death.

The worst part about being ill is people asking you about it. ‘Oo have you got a cold? You don’t sound very well.’ ‘No, I’ve decided that my normal voice was boring so to spice it up I’ve gone with this one that sounds like I’ve got two boxes of tissues shoved up my nose.’

Of course you have to politely tell people you feel ‘better than you sound’ or that it’s ‘on its way out.’

If it was a sickness bug though you could just get it out of your system and then carry on. Quick day off work, few trips to the toilet and bob’s your uncle you’re back on your feet.

If anyone has an instant cold cure I’d love to hear it. All medicines are bollocks that mask your ‘illness’ for a few hours, but don’t stop you having the thing for ten days.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to blow my nose, again!

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