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  • Gareth Ellis

I’m fat

I’m fat.

OK, I’m not clinically obese or anything but I am carrying a bit more weight than I would like. It’s not so much the weight that bothers me though, it’s the size I am.

The other day at work a colleague said: “You really want to eat that, fatty?” Of course he was only bantering but still, it made me question how much I hide the belly I have by breathing in.

When I was with my ex she said she wanted me to be fatter. Unfortunately when we broke up I was left with a belly I didn’t want to match my single status.

Then when I joined the gym I put too much emphasis on weights and hardly any on cardio. Unfortunately, when you work out with people who are already in much better shape than you the temptation is to breathe in to match them, or hide the bits you don’t want them to see.

What it creates is a lie. You lie to yourself as you’re breathing in, that you look better than you actually do.

People comment on the ‘great shape’ you’re in and all those fears melt away, yet still you breathe in.

I disagree with those who say that fat is a feminist issue. It’s not just women who worry about carrying that extra bit of ‘timber’.

I have struggled with a belly for a good eight years. The problem being that I just like food. So much so that I can’t seem to stick to a diet as I always find them too boring, or find that I don’t think I’m eating enough. Then when I do eat it’s such a release that I find myself sneaking treats or eating far too big a portion.

I recently came back from a week long holiday in Turkey, all-inclusive, which in turn means all you can eat. I was greedy, and I put on a fair bit of weight. I won’t tell you how much but I did.

I mean, having dessert after breakfast, lunch and dinner doesn’t get you abs, does it?

The point is if you feel like I do, the shame, the fear and the anxiety, then you have to do something about it.

The holiday was the last big block for me to pass through. There was no way I was going to restrict myself on holiday, people shouldn’t have to do that.

I know now though that if I manage my portion sizes, exercise regularly and stick to a more healthy diet then I can change, and keep the fat off.

I am getting married on July 1, 2017. By that date I would like to have the belly my mind tells me I have – without breathing in.

I just need to stop lying to myself and stop breathing in so much, I am what I am – just a little bit tubby.

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