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  • Gareth Ellis

I’m happy, honest!

So. Recently I’ve been a bit quiet in terms of blogging and I wanted to explain why.

For some reason I just can’t seem to find any motivation. I can’t pinpoint what it is or why it’s happened but I get in to a general malaise that I just can’t seem to shake.

Some may call it stress and I guess the pressure of the wedding may be getting to me a little bit but surely that wouldn’t explain why I feel the way I do.

I’ve always had a problem with my temper. But in the last couple of months it has got to a point where even I hate myself.

I often feel like I’m the one who’s left out of things and I guess I can see why at times. I hate the fact that a lot of people see me as grumpy, despite the fact that I feel like I’m younger than my almost 31 years.

Even now I can have 13 great days, yet the second someone refers to me as grumpy I’m set back another week or two and the ‘tiredness’ sets in. I don’t think one grumpy 10 minutes makes someone grumpy.

I’m trying, I really am. I just don’t know what to do sometimes.

I’ve had it drilled into me that losing is a terrible thing. As I’ve got older I now can’t even stand to lose an argument – even when I’m wrong.

I feel like I need to cry, even though I’m not sad.

When I was younger I used to have a real zest for life. I was happy-go-lucky, I was confident and I thought I could take on the world.

Now after a combination of being put down a little bit too much by former bosses, former gym ‘buddies’ and former loves I think I take setbacks just a little bit harder.

I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will get back to ‘myself’. This angry, snappy arsehole isn’t me and I apologise for all those who have had to endure it.

I’m just lucky that I have a fiancee and family that have stuck by me through thick and thin. My friends are also there somewhere and if they’re reading this just know I miss you. I haven’t not messaged any of you because I don’t want to. I just sometimes don’t have the room in my head to deal with planning a wedding, having not enough money to go out etc, and now training for another marathon.

So if I upset you please bear with me, it’s not personal and I’m genuinely really sorry.

The nice Gareth is on his way back, I promise!

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