- Gareth Ellis
I’m happy, honest!
So. Recently I’ve been a bit quiet in terms of blogging and I wanted to explain why.
For some reason I just can’t seem to find any motivation. I can’t pinpoint what it is or why it’s happened but I get in to a general malaise that I just can’t seem to shake.
Some may call it stress and I guess the pressure of the wedding may be getting to me a little bit but surely that wouldn’t explain why I feel the way I do.
I’ve always had a problem with my temper. But in the last couple of months it has got to a point where even I hate myself.
I often feel like I’m the one who’s left out of things and I guess I can see why at times. I hate the fact that a lot of people see me as grumpy, despite the fact that I feel like I’m younger than my almost 31 years.
Even now I can have 13 great days, yet the second someone refers to me as grumpy I’m set back another week or two and the ‘tiredness’ sets in. I don’t think one grumpy 10 minutes makes someone grumpy.
I’m trying, I really am. I just don’t know what to do sometimes.
I’ve had it drilled into me that losing is a terrible thing. As I’ve got older I now can’t even stand to lose an argument – even when I’m wrong.
I feel like I need to cry, even though I’m not sad.
When I was younger I used to have a real zest for life. I was happy-go-lucky, I was confident and I thought I could take on the world.
Now after a combination of being put down a little bit too much by former bosses, former gym ‘buddies’ and former loves I think I take setbacks just a little bit harder.
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will get back to ‘myself’. This angry, snappy arsehole isn’t me and I apologise for all those who have had to endure it.
I’m just lucky that I have a fiancee and family that have stuck by me through thick and thin. My friends are also there somewhere and if they’re reading this just know I miss you. I haven’t not messaged any of you because I don’t want to. I just sometimes don’t have the room in my head to deal with planning a wedding, having not enough money to go out etc, and now training for another marathon.
So if I upset you please bear with me, it’s not personal and I’m genuinely really sorry.
The nice Gareth is on his way back, I promise!